Update on Baby Boy: Week 27

(Right now, I have an 18-month-old tugging on my arm and asking for a snack. Some weeks are proving to be harder than others to get a blog post written and posted.)

We wait...and pray...and wait...and pray.
It seems like this is all we ever do these days.
Some days are more harrowing than others.

However, this last week's visit to Tupelo was the most encouraging visit we've made to a doctor in several weeks. Not because of any miraculous grandiose news, but because of the prayers of people. God's presence and peace were very near when we entered what I've now affectionately deemed the Dark Dungeon of Despair (aka the sonogram room). We felt Him there.

About Joel

• He's still stable. There have been no real changes in fluid over the last two weeks.
• His heartbeat was a solid 154. Praise God.
• He was wiggling and moving like crazy—still in the breach position.
• By this point, the doc said Hydrops babies start to develop abnormalities in their brain and heart dopplers plus blood flow through the umbilical cord. All of these things are functioning completely normal for Joel. Again, PRAISE GOD.
• Joel is starting to practice breathing on his own! The ultrasound tech said she usually doesn't see this until around 29 weeks, but there he was. Every now and then, his little diaphragm would rise and fall. Our little fighter is already working to strengthen those lungs so he can breathe on his own.
• Obviously working alongside the opinions of specialists in Jackson, Dr. Brewer is now highly recommending we push even further than 32 weeks of pregnancy if Joel is still looking stable and all vitals are normal. This will medically increase his chances of survival outside the womb.

Dr. Brewer repeated his lovely sentiments to us: "I still can't believe I'm seeing you back here again this week. Everything looks normal except the fluid. His dopplers are normal. His blood flow is on track. His heartbeat is strong. It's both perplexing and encouraging."

And then Nathan went off on him (in the kindest way, of course).

He told Dr. Brewer that this is a miracle in and of itself—that we'd been praying Joel would be a Mighty Man of God, that God would give him a strong heartbeat, that this is no surprise to us because God has answered our prayers over the last 7 weeks.

And I just let him preach. The gospel is oozing out of my sweet husband right now.

What We're Learning

Lesson #1

Last April, we had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. It was definitely hard. But that, combined with this, has made both of us realize the frailty and brevity of life. It's made us aware of our own weakness as human beings and our intense need for a God who is strong and sovereign and fights for us.

Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.
—Psalm 90:12

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is.
You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.
My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.
We're merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it.
And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in you.
—Psalm 39:4-7

We're learning not to lay our hope in tomorrow or next week or at 32 weeks of pregnancy, but instead to live right this very moment. It doesn't mean we don't continue to ask God to work a miracle in Joel's life in the days to come, but our daily bread has never been more real to us.

Lesson #2

Speaking of our daily bread, the other day, Nathan mentioned the Old Testament story of God raining down manna (literal translation = "What is it?") from heaven for the Israelites to eat while they wandered in the wilderness. God only gave them what they needed for that day. Any extras they tried to keep until the next day had gone bad, filled with maggots and emitting a putrid stench.

Some gathered a lot, some only a little. But when they measured it out, everyone had just enough. Those who gathered a lot had nothing left over, and those who gathered only a little had enough. Each family had just what it needed.
—Exodus 16:17-18

We're learning that Jesus gives us exactly we need for today—nothing more, nothing less. His grace is sufficient. Nathan said it best a few days ago: "No one is guaranteed even the next five minutes, so let's remember to thank God for every single day for His blessings and for the last 27 weeks He's given us with Joel. They've been a gift to us from Him."

Lesson #3

I think it's been so easy—especially for me—to get discouraged and caught up by the uncertainty of what lies ahead. I play out the scenarios in my head sometimes instead of having faith in God's good, perfect plan and realizing I have absolutely no control over our future. I know—NOT good.

When will Joel be delivered? Will he be OK? How will we handle it?
Will he have to live with a debilitating illness or disease for the rest of his life?
What will the next two months look like for us?
Will Madelyn be OK? Will our family be OK?

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.
—Deuteronomy 31:8

My former pastor in Nashville once preached a sermon where he explained that God lives outside of time. He's not ruled by the clock or timetable that we live and die by. He can see the grander scale of all things—past, present, and future. He's that sovereign and all-knowing.

That picture may make it seem like He's a million light years away, like He's hands off or uncaring, like what's happened or will happen catches Him by surprise. But that's not true. He's the Creator of all things.

He's actually the One who wrote the BIG story of humankind from beginning to end and He's intricately involved in the very details of our lives—even orchestrating every moment down to the second. When I step back and take a 50,000-foot view of all this, when I understand these things about our great God, it helps me breathe a sigh of relief.

He's got us. He sees us. He knows us. He loves us.

There's been so much grace from the Lord to walk through this day by day. There is certainty when we choose to follow Him and keep our eyes fixed on Him. What we want more than anything is His will, for His bigger plan to unfold, and to join Him in that—even if the circumstances stink.

Prayer

I have to say this: don't be scared of us.

There are some people we've shared our story with who automatically avoid or ignore us—not because they're mean or don't care. In fact, I think they actually do care. But they don't know what to say when we're face-to-face or they don't want to be placed in an awkward conversation.

We get that. We totally do.

Often times, there are no words for this kind of situation—and it can feel awkward. But we appreciate those family and friends who: approach us and ask the deep questions; are willing to listen to the raw, genuine responses from us; and can handle the emotion and tears should they show up.

This week's prayer requests are the same song, second verse. Please continue to pray that God would:

• Completely heal Joel and make him a Mighty Man.
• Reduce the fluid in Joel's neck/head so doctors can get a breathing tube in once he's delivered.
• Give us His overpowering peace and presence at every doctor's visit.
• Give wisdom, compassion, and knowledge to the doctors.
• Place the right doctors around Joel at the time of delivery.
• Protect our family from the lies and fiery darts being shot at us from the enemy.
• Surround Madelyn with His love and grace as we leave her with friends to attend doctors visits. 
• Empower us to make much of His Son, Jesus, throughout this journey.
• Give us the courage to accept His will—no matter what He decides for our sweet Joel.